Mooc des communs : A Vampire Sequel

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[[https://bit.ly/41V0MU7 Surviving a Long-Term Affair and Saving a Marriage]]
[[https://bit.ly/4iwlwbV Transforming Communication and Parenting in a Troubled Marriage]]
[[https://bit.ly/4c037lm Healing a Marriage by Confronting Insecurities and Building Trust]]
[[https://bit.ly/4kSx1Mh Religious Differences and Strengthening Marriage Bonds]]
[[https://bit.ly/4bUogNH The Affection Gap: Bridging Emotional Distance in a Long-Term Marriage]]
[[https://bit.ly/4bUohkJ Workplace Dating Detours]]
[[https://bit.ly/4bUohRL When Blind Dates Go Wrong]]
[[https://bit.ly/4bUoiFj Comfort Vs. Fulfillment In Modern Dating]]
[[https://bit.ly/41R8Y7P Demanding Respect and Openness in a Relationship]]
[[https://bit.ly/4bVNmvE Get Outta My Dating Pool]]
[[https://bit.ly/4iFRbaL Seeking Clarity and Connection in Dating]]
[[https://bit.ly/4izaKBE Gym Flirting 101]]
[[https://bit.ly/41Yixlv Finding Balance in Love After Loss]]

Earlier today I posted a blog called “Emotional Vampires” and despite the word “vampires” in the title and most people’s aversion to the vampire craze…it got great hits and even better comments! I was moved to continue exploring this topic when I realized that I wasn’t the only one who was plagued by people who drain me.

Sometimes I think that it is my lot in life to be that person that everyone goes to when they are having a rough time. It’s not their fault, and I can’t blame them, it’s kind of how I market myself. Not consciously, but all the same, it’s the way I am. I am that caring, understanding, constant ear and shoulder that everyone knows can’t turn them away. I have only recently learned that confrontation and disagreement is not a bad thing. People are used to me taking their shit so they never think twice about laying all their crap at my feet and asking me to fix it. I have always allowed it, so I can’t blame them when they continue to do it.

I was a psychology major in college. I have the degree hanging above my desk and everything, really I do. People fascinate me, they always have. The way people think, interact, engage one another, behave, etc…it’s all so damn interesting to me. I love listening to people share with me and then trying to determine the deeper and baser emotions and contributing issues. I know it’s wrong, but dissecting the situation is fun for me.

I won’t even hide the fact that I judge people. I know it’s not politically correct or acceptable to admit that, but I do. I listen to their problems and then I judge them. I will never betray a confidence. I do not gossip. But, in my head, in my own thoughts I do judge people by what they reveal to me. I know some people will think that this makes me a horrible person but I really do think that all people do this. If you are being honest with yourself, you do form judgments about a person based on their behaviors, interactions with others, and their personality. It’s just a fact of life.

I will also freely admit that because of my history with depression I can sometimes be that emotional vampire that feeds on other people. I don’t want anyone to think that I am professing to be above this. While I often bottle up and deal with issues on my own, try to psychoanalyze myself, I will occasionally need to have an all out bitch fest and seriously bring down the mood. I always feel guilty about this afterwards and apologize with a bottle of wine…so my friends usually don’t mind. J The point here is, while I talk about the people that make me nuts…realize that I am sometimes that exact person. As George stated…the key here is sometimes.

So, as I read through the comments to my original post I realized that in one way or another everyone has had to deal with these draining, emotional vampires. I think it’s important to be realistic about relationships. Not everyone can be sunshine and rainbows all of the time. I don’t expect them to be. I don’t need you to blow smoke up my ass either. It’s okay to be real. It is okay to need advice, reassurance, and support. I have no problems being that person for you; I love being that person for you.

I do take issue with the people who assume you have nothing better to do with your time than listen to a 2 hour rant about their hideous fortune, bad job, mean boss, ungrateful family, distant boyfriend, yadda, yadda, yadda. If you need to vent, do it, but give me the condensed version and for the love of all things sacred, acknowledge that you know you are bitching and have the good graces to thank me for listening to you drone on. I never vent to people without thanking them for allowing me to get it off my chest and asking them in return how they are holding up and giving them the chance to do the same thing right back. It’s common freaking courtesy. Reciprocate, people!

If you are down in the dumps and aware that you are being extra negative then own up to it; don’t act as though there is nothing wrong. I have no problem if you are a bit blue, it happens, but have the decency to say to your friend/significant other, “Hey, I know that I haven’t been myself lately. I am working through it and really appreciate your patience and understanding. If it gets to be too much for you please let me know so we can talk about it.”

It can be hard to admit that you aren’t the happy go lucky person you wish you could be but it’s important to let the people you love know you appreciate their support. It wasn’t easy for me to realize this. For a long time I thought that if they were my friend they would accept that I was having a hard time regulating my medicine and mood but nobody has to put up with my shit. I realized the stress that my moods put on my relationships and realized that thanks were necessary so that they knew I saw what I was putting them through and appreciated it. I am so blessed that I found writing, journaling, crafting, and laughing was much better medicine than the drugs I was taking and have been able to regulate my moods on my own for about 8 years now. It wasn’t always this easy though. So trust that I understand when you have a rough time, I am not going to walk away, but I do ask that you be aware of your mood and how it affects other people.

I have never enjoyed being the center of attention. I enjoy getting a good laugh from a crowd. I enjoy being active in a conversation and having my voice be heard but I don’t need to be the loudest, most circulated, and talked about person in the room. I am happy to be a part of it all and that’s enough. I know for some people this isn’t enough though. There are certain people that “get off”, for lack of a better word, on being in the middle of it all and having all that attention. To them I have this piece of advice…and yes I know you didn’t ask for it, but here it is.

It’s fine to want to be heard and occasionally be the center of attention. Nobody is trying to say that’s wrong but do be aware of how often this is the case. It’s important when you are in social situations to gauge how much you are speaking and how much you are listening; to be aware of listening versus active listening. The difference there is that when you listen you vaguely hear what somebody is saying but only enough to register what you want to say in response. When you actively listen to somebody you hear, acknowledge, and process their comments. It is important that you give that person your full attention. If you want others to respect you enough to listen when you speak then do the same for them, which means no cell phones, no checking emails, texting, or looking around the room at everyone but the person speaking.

As I have said, I am nowhere near perfect when it comes to being needy sometimes and being moody at others. I don’t expect perfection in my friends. I do expect you to try for a balance, to acknowledge your flaws (as I have mine) and to be open to trying to solve your emotional vampire ways. If it starts to be an issue in a relationship I am having I will not hesitate to tell somebody, “I know that you have been having a hard time lately and I want to be supportive but I need to tell you that I’m having a hard time right now. I find myself listening less actively because I feel like you aren’t reciprocating and I am withdrawing because of it.” I don’t want to end up resenting or ending friendships, so I do ask of my friends that they be open to talks like that. I in return promise to always be open to them as well.

I would hate to think that I was bringing somebody down or being anything less than a stellar friend so I do ask that friends come to me before letting emotions fester. I have had a lot of success with this but it does require a lot of trust and understanding between the two people involved. It’s not always easy to accept criticism about yourself and it’s often even more terrifying to give it to somebody else and risk hurting feelings but I do think it’s essential to some relationships. There are friendships I have never had to worry about doing this in, but if need be I have no qualms about opening up a line of conversation about boundaries and balance.

This is a whole lot of my own personal opinions and in no way are they set rules, but they do work for me…so hey…they may work for you as well. In the end it comes down to talking with the person versus ending a friendship, and while it is sometimes necessary to end the relationship, I usually prefer to avoid that.

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